Physical plane: I am improving little by little with steps back and forth. The bad days seem to be less and less, and the good ones more. Ancient symptoms sometimes appear, like today's body aches, resembling, as you know, the pain that one suffers when they have the flu. There are no fevers. I have realized that my recovery from the effort is still bad, but apparently it is bad when I am not used to that effort, that is, for example when I have worked more than ever or I have run more than ever the next day or a few days after that effort I find myself quite tired.
Mental plane: the difference is brutal compared to a year ago. My security has increased a lot, although there are still overwhelming moments where I would like the earth to swallow me up to the incasdencent core to merge with which terminator expressing a verbal scream "sayonara baby". My ongoing fears of confrontation are still there. The fear of saying what I think, the continuous fear in the form of a thought installed in my mind like a virus that tells me without words, "Take care that person will be aggressive with you." I am able to do better, and to speak better. My attention in greater and you know that this is something essential, something that I lost and that has separated me from one of my passions which is to study and investigate. It is improving but as I always say so as not to get excited, there is still a lot.
It seems that my nerves are more calamata lately, and every time less happens to me to go down the street when I run and look everywhere or that my mind fixes like crazy in the lines of the ground. I notice these things, I explore myself, and that's how I tell you.
Sentimental level: as always, women flee from me as if I had the plague. It doesn't matter if they are 18 or 37 years old, the movie is similar. I think there is something in me that scares them and I don't know what it is. Is it possible that they perceive in me my experiential difference with the rest of the people and that scares them? Anyway, it can help little that I tell a girl that I am not a standard type and that I believe that we are visited from other planets or systems. Look at it this way Juan, it's a screening that I do, because I know that someone with a small mind will be unhappy with me and I with her. From a generational point of view, maybe it has something to do with the unfinished aspects with my mother that make them repeat themselves with the rest of the women.
I think that all the bad things less very little by little, and all the good things go to more very little by little, which is extremely satisfying, which is noteworthy for the great effort that I have put into each and every one of the aspects of my life, which make me (and I tell you that you can understand me) an anonymous Hercules of the current era.
Of course, I say this with emotion, but with the wisdom that the lived experience of the ups and downs that I have yet to live give me, although with the total conviction that it is being possible to reach the goal of this ultramarathon for the spirit, the mind and body.
I have to inform you of something, and it is the fact that I have recovered my studies and application of natural remedies, call them superfoods or herbs. A month ago I made my third water fast, this time for 7 days, and I have started using some Ayurvedic herbs, or bee products (pollen, honey, honeycomb, propolis, and royal jelly) or algae such as chlorela and spirulina to build. I also use infusions of arcachofa, dandelion, licorice and other plants to improve the elimination processes. I don't understand what you told me about interactions with homeopathy, but honestly, it gives me a goal, it gives me a boost of energy, it gives me an incentive to continue, it makes me try harder, it makes me sit down to study, it makes me feel with a purpose, it calms my mind and I think it makes me stronger.
In this decade that has happened, few things have helped me. After my physical and metal disaster at 24 years old, you know that I began an incessant search that is still in progress. In all this time ago I have tried many things that to the most orthodox would seem crazy, and to the heterodox perhaps a greater understanding. But as I always say to myself when I feel ridiculous for everything I do, "when there is a big problem, the solutions must be extraordinary", and in this I am, looking for extraordinary solutions, without any difference with any explorer who narrates real or fictional adventures, because mine is a great adventure, with all the wickers to become a great story. And in that search, those few things that have helped me, only two really, are the purest possible diet (vegetarian) and homeopathy.
Without a doubt, a man has to make risky decisions. And I use the word man without any contempt for the power of women, considering "man" a generic of the human gender that I apply because for me it represents strength. As I said, a man (a human being in search of virtue) achieves nothing by being a coward, and against all odds he must navigate. Thus, after many years of struggle, loss of friends and partner, I managed to regain part of my lost identity through food. Because I am not fooling myself, and I am not fooling you, changes affect you as much as those around you, they do a sieve and they can leave you alone. That matters? If it matters. Misunderstanding hurts and it hurts your not knowing what is happening, but these questions or doubts are resolved as one sees the positive results in the actions, in the decisions made. Because I have to say the great obviousness that one lives in himself and therefore has to make the decisions that affect him 100% with the authority to recognize himself free of thought and responsibility for oneself. Not depending on others is a path that is created tile by tile, with the same suffering that the builders of the Roman roads had to go through. But once the pavement is laid, the others will only see a blaze go by at the speed of thunder.
And this is what I have achieved with natural health, my diet and homeopathy.
There came a time when my diet did not take me further in my recovery and I had to search. After 9 years of illness, 5 of them vegetarian, making use of what I was researching and noticing that this could no longer give more of itself, I looked at homeopathy, something new, strangely forgotten in some corner of my mind, strangely not investigated by me.
Trial and error, that's science. Medicine is an art, no matter how much doctors insist on denying it, and it depends on the ability of the artist. Allopathic medicine of course ceased to be an art to become a pantomime. Can anyone give value to a painting made mechanically by a robot? That is the current state of medicine, a deception, a science devoid of its essence, and an art of fast consumption. homeopathy preserves that art, that trial and error, that trust on the part of the patient in his doctor, and perhaps even in the case of you Juan, teamwork. That trial and error, after a few months gave its first fruits, for later and with the passage of months (maybe about 12) I begin to feel that something was really moving, deeply in me.
Homeopathy, took the baton from food to continue advancing in my recovery and the effects are remarkable. And I repeat it again, only two things have helped me in this more than a decade in hell, healthy food and homeopathy. Whoever reads this does not know if he is able to scratch the real meaning of this, but it is substantive.
I don't know to what extent homeopathy will help me, but of course I won't berate her or Juan if I don't fully recover. This is a really lonely path where sometimes you meet friends, with people who can help you, and more than that want to help you. But lonely at the end of the day because it is one who must, in his maturity and freedom, exercise day by day what he knows, that wisdom, experience gained with sweat and tears to improve every moment.
Bad moments? ..... every day, but if you have followed my words carefully you will see that this is a hymn to hope.
You can publish this writing if you want Juan, if you think it can serve others.